I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
