It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
