please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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