How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
These tits shall not be calmed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
