I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
love makes seman taste better
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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