you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
