It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
