im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
