What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
