I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
