Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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