I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
