Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
