Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
