He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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