i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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