made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
