Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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