Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
