And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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