I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
