Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im part way to drunk.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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