You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize