I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
