You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
