my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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