i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
