We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
