how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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