She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
