i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
