if only i could text you this smell
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Be still, my beating vagina.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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