Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
