I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
