gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
