I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
