I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
