Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
