70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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