drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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