I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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