he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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