don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
