there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize