I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
