When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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