Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
