my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
