You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
