There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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