I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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