Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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