the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
