Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
