If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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