I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
