You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
