Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
