Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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