What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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