I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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