She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
