Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
