How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize